When I was 25, like so many other young evangelicals in the ’90s, I kissed dating goodbye.
Of course, it was a bit easier since I’d never been on a date.
I was a late bloomer to put it gently. From elementary school on I was a social pariah with my peers. By Jr. High, I was spending my free time with college students (fundamentalist Baptist theater majors, to be more precise), and by the time I was actually in college and at a reasonable dateable age, I was firmly ensconced as the kid sister.
When I was 25, I struck up a conversation with a guy I knew slightly at an outing for my singles group from church. We ended up talking that whole evening, and after spending several more group outings in a similar fashion, we had a conversation. He’d been married before and divorced, and he wanted to do things differently — he wanted to do courtship instead of dating.
Courtship meant you didn’t do things one-on-one unless marriage was in the offing. The man asked the girl’s parents for permission to court her. And nothing physical — not even a kiss.
I was all in. The idea that one should take these things seriously appealed to me. I had been explicitly taught, “Don’t go on a first date with anyone you wouldn’t marry — then you won’t have to break their heart and yours down the line.” My parents have lots of wisdom, and maintaining a conversation with them as a part of the process made sense.
And other than telling him that, no way was my first kiss going to be the public one on my wedding day! (a compromise he agreed to), I was content to honor the physical boundaries.
(In retrospect, most people miss how bone-melting holding hands can be when you’re not wondering how far you can get away with — or he will try — going.)
We courted for an intense three months until he showed up for our Valentine’s date and broke up with me, glad “things hadn’t gone too far.”
For him maybe.
I was blindsided. When he showed up for the date and asked if we could go for a walk, I was honestly thinking, “Well, I know we’ve covered money and kids and all the important stuff, but it’s really too soon for him to propose!”
A few years later and a second relationship ended, I did some counseling with a pastor who told me, “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but you really need to learn how to casual date.”
It was so true. While the courtship model was intended to honor men and women and help them take romantic relationships seriously, for me it gave a first date the weight of near-engagement. I had to be fully invested from the start, just getting to know someone, and the results were devastating me.
It took well over a decade for me to find a context where I could learn to “casual date.” Evangelical churches and seminary contexts are so messed up on dating that approaching it casually is nigh to impossible. And it was particularly so for me — it’s hard to take a first date lightly when you’re only being asked out once every couple of years. Maybe.
I now realize that may have been because while I certainly belonged, I just as certainly didn’t fit the conservative evangelical contexts I was in.
I made my own chance a few years ago when, after being affectionately bullied into it by a friend, I dove into online dating. There’s nothing like ten first dates in three weeks to help you learn to take a first date lightly!
I decided to say yes to meeting anyone whose profile didn’t scream (or whisper) “Absolutely not!” and give myself the chance to be surprised. I found I could take the person seriously while taking the date lightly. And I found that men who hadn’t been raised in an evangelical culture tended to be more emotionally and relationally mature (though there are always exceptions going both directions).
I kissed dating hello, and I began to understand how to enter a story without needing to know what the ending could or should be.
For more stories about “Life After I Kissed Dating Goodbye” see http://www.lifeafterikdg.com/
5 thoughts on “Goodbye and Hello”
Thank you for posting this. You have some good insights. God blessed me with my wonderful first wife. After being married a little over 10 years, God took her home to be with Him. God once more has blessed me by putting a wonderful woman in my life. We will be getting married in a little over two weeks.
While marriage is an earthly picture of our eternal relationship with God, being single is the state we will enjoy when we get to Glory. Being single offers unique opportunities for service. I am sure God has a perfect plan in mind for you. Just remember, our fulfillment comes from God and not from others.
I’m so glad you’ve been blessed with two wonderful loves!
As I read the creation account, it would seem that God never intended us to be fulfilled by God’s company. Instead God gave us each other. I’m not so sure he intended marriage to parallel our relationship with him, but like all of our relationships, it should certainly give us ever deeper glimpses. I don’t believe we’ll be married for eternity, but neither do I believe we’ll be single. Rather, I think we’ll know a union with God and each other that is deeper and broader than marriage. Certainly not less than it!
Love all of that!
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Because Evangelicalism has been grounded in “certainty “I guess it just made sense for someone to eventually develop a “certainty dating” philosophy. Enter Joshua Harris.
I think you’re so right, Jennifer, as evangelicals we have to know everything as much as possible (in real time or ahead of time) because, God forbid, you make a mistake (God NEV-ER wants us to make a mistake, right?!) and break someone’s heart, or “go too far,” or mislead someone, or hurt the other family, etc. etc. ETCETERAAAA! All this perfectionism. Sigh. Such a weight that I am finished with carrying.
Btw — My 20 something daughter has found that evangelical guys that she has met are pretty immature emotionally and relationally. “It’s like being in the church youth group with giggles and backbiting,” she laments.
Bottomline: (and this might be a generalization) in my experience I have found the only thing the quest for certainty delivers on … is the certainty of being underdeveloped.
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