“Ah! Here. And…you’re here.”
-“I am. You sound surprised, yet not.”
“Well…the dry sauna at the athletic club?”
-“Don’t you read the Psalms?”
“The Psalms?…
Oh! ‘If I make my bed in hell.…’ Very funny.”
-“I thought you’d be amused.”
“But, …seriously?”
-“Seriously, it’s the quietest place I know.”
“Really? What about churches and chapels?”
-“They’re loud with expectation and desperation.”
“Oh. I can see that. And here…
well, it may be the only place that even my mind is quiet.”
-“Exactly. Everything is remarkable still in here.”
“There’s something about the heat.”
-“Yes. It brings your mind and body together to be present with each other.”
<pause>
“That’s not always a comfortable place for me.”
-“I know.”
“There’s a lot I don’t want to feel that directly.”
-“Yes.”
“I’ve lost my dreams.”
-“Lost?”
“Well, I’m pretty sure I know where they went, but they’re gone.”
-“Yes, sometimes people walk away with our dreams whether they intended to or not.”
“I just know I went to find them last week and there was nothing there.”
-“I’m sorry.”
“Thank you….
I’d ask why you didn’t stop them, but I’m long past thinking that you push people around like that.”
-“There’s no love under compulsion or manipulation.”
“Right.”
<pause>
“You know, I never know where these conversations are going to go when they start.”
-“Neither do I.”
“Really?”
-“Yes. They’re something we create together.”
“I like that.”
-“I’m glad.”
<pause>
“So what do I do about the dreams?”
-“What do you think?”
“Well, they didn’t die – then I could bury them or burn them. They just…left.”
-“Do you think they’re coming back?”
“I want to a lot of the time. But I think that’s clinging to something that’s gone, and even if they did come back, they wouldn’t quite be the same.”
-“That makes sense. Nothing that’s alive ever stays the same.”
“I don’t know what to do with the space they left.”
-“What do you want to do with it?”
“Not lose it.”
-“Why not?”
“Because…it’s part of the shape of who I am now, and I like who I am now.”
-“I like who you are now, too.”
“That’s good to hear. I don’t want to lose that.”
-“So you feel stuck between new dreams and losing who you are?”
“Maybe?…
There aren’t really any new dreams taking root. I have plenty of wishes flying around, but new dreams – not so much.”
-“And the wishes?”
“Most of them are connected with the dreams that are gone. Some of them still mean something on their own, and that’s good, but they aren’t the sorts of things that turn into dreams.”
-“Ah. I see.”
“What? What do you see?”
-“I see you.”
“You do?”
-“I do.”
<pause>
“Maybe that’s enough for the moment. I don’t know….
Can that be enough for the moment?”
-“It’s why I’m here. If you make your bed in hell…”
“You’re here.”
-“Yes.”
Leaning Out 