“You are here.”
-“I am”
“You’re here.”
-“Yes.”
“I don’t even know what that means anymore.”
-“I know. It’s okay.”
“It’s just…hard for me to believe.”
-“I know. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
-“Stop apologizing.”
(Pause)
“I believe; help my unbelief?”
-“Still apologizing.”
“I…don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”
-“I know. That’s okay, too.”
“How is that okay?”
-“We’re here, together. You don’t have to say anything.”
(Two beat pause…)
“Huh.”
-“Yes?”
“It’s just…I don’t know what to do with you but talk. And you know how I talk.”
-“Yes, I do. But that doesn’t mean you have to. It’s enough for me just to be with you.”
“But you know I have to talk.”
-“Yes, but you’re learning to listen. To just be with.”
“It’s just…weird with you now.”
-“Why?”
“Because I don’t know who you are anymore.”
-“That’s actually nothing new.”
“But it was easier when I thought I did.”
-“Yes.”
“I always wondered if you were just a voice in my head.”
-“Want to know a secret? – sometimes that’s exactly what I am.”
“Seriously.”
-“Seriously.”
“But then, how do I know I’m not just hearing what I want to hear, like they always said?”
-“Yeah, that’s not so much you. You’re better at hearing what you don’t want to hear.”
“I am?”
-“You’ve had lots of practice.”
“Even if that’s true, how do I know that you’re not just me?”
-“You don’t.”
“Well, shit. —Oh, sorry!”
-“Stop apologizing. I’ve said worse.”
“But how am I supposed to know what to do?”
-“Trust yourself.”
(Pause)
“Trust myself? I’m a mess – I don’t know what I’m doing!”
-“I know. It’s okay.”
“How is that okay? I don’t know how to figure out the right thing to do!”
-“That’s less important than you think.”
“It is?”
-“Yes.”
“But…how do I not screw up, then?”
-“You will definitely screw up.”
“That’s not okay!”
-“That’s why I’m here. I’ve got you.”
“What about everyone else, though? The other people that get hurt when I screw up?”
-“I’ve got them, too.”
“But…”
-“You’ll never trust yourself unless you can trust me.”
“Oh.”
-“You will screw up. You will hurt people. I’ve got them, and I’ve got you. Unless you trust me on that, you’re never going to do anything but but be afraid.”
“No. I spent too many years stuck there.”
-“I know.”
“I can’t go back.”
-“I know. Trust me.”
“Trust you – that’s why it’s hard. I don’t know what that means anymore either.”
-“Trust yourself.”
“Really?”
-“Yes – I haven’t spent all these years with you for nothing. And I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yeah?”
-“Yeah. And when you do screw up, I’ve got you. I’m here.”
“You’re here.”
-“I am.”
“Okay.”
Leaning Out 